It is Well With My Soul

Two Sundays ago, we sang the song It is Well With My Soul. It was an incredibly moving time of worship during the service as we praised the Lord for our salvation and for His return. What I didn't know was how much I was going to need that song during the week.

Before I continue with my story of this past week and a half's events, I first must explain the background to this incredible song. The song was written by Horatio Spafford following several tragedies in his life. The first involved the death of his only son in 1871, which was then followed by the great Chicago fire, which ruined him financially. The tipping point and true inspiration of the song was the death of his four daughters. In 1873, He had sent them and his wife ahead to Europe for a trip while he dealt with business back at home. While on their way, their ship tragically sank, and only his wife survived. As he made his way to Europe to be with his wife, he wrote the words to this song as he passed near the spot where the ship had sunk. It amazes me that a man who had undergone that much tragedy could write such amazing words like this. It points to the insurmountable hope he had in Christ.

This past week was not nearly as tragic as the events related above, but the words that Spafford wrote were just as true and encouraging. It was this week that I first felt the physical affects of the chemotherapy after this last round. I was incredibly tired, weak, achy,feverish, and generally had a lack of energy and well being. I felt the incredible drain that the chemo had put on my body and it was hard to persevere through it. My doctor prescribed some antibiotics on Tuesday, but they did little to make me feel any better. I struggled throughout the week, trying to get rest, but nothing was really working. I just had to rely on those words, "it is well with my soul". Friday rolled around and with it my doctors visit to get my blood checked. As it turned out, both my white and red cells were extremely low causing the majority of my symptoms. The doctor came to see me, and because I was still feverish and my blood levels still low, he decided to admit me into the hospital to run some tests, give me blood and antibiotics.

And so here it is, Monday evening, and I'm still in the hospital. Finally they have some idea what is wrong with me and can give me more specific antibiotics, but I am still in here indefinitely. God has been good through it all. My cousin Andy came down from Colorado this weekend and we've gotten to spend the entire weekend hanging out and catching up. I finally got to be in the new cancer hospital, which is pretty great I might add. But none of these compare to the truth in the song Spafford wrote. Some of those outside of Christianity think that what we do is believe in a lie so thatwe don't have to encounter the general angst and difficulties of this life. But that's not true at all. It's not that we Christians just drum up this feeling of goodyness and false emotions, lying to ourselves to say that everything is fine. That's not the point of that song and that's not the point of the Christianity. We aren't trying to escape the trials of this world or pretend they don't exist. I guarantee you Horatio Spafford understood better than most that life was incredibly difficult at times, almost impossible. After what he lost it is amazing that he could even move on.

But that's just the thing, he knew the secret. He had found the hope that could overcome all obstacles. A hope that endured through the most difficult trials and tribulations. A hope that is sweeter than anything else in this life. That is the hope of salvation in Christ. I will let his words explain themselves as I finish this blog. I'm glad can join him and say amidst this bump in the road, "It is well with my soul."


Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Providence or coincidence?

I wanted to officially give an update of what has gone down since my last post. I found out the PET scan results just a few hours later and we discovered that the doctors could no longer see the tumor! It was gone and all that was left were just a few reacted lymph nodes around my chest. I don't havea completely clean bill of health just yet, but it is a major praise and blessing of the Lord to have this major part of the battle out of the way. The victory is his. That being said I still do have three more rounds of chemotherapy, basically for maintainence you could say.

I got in today for round four expecting to be in the new cancer hospital. From everything the nurses had said, the new cancer hospital is like the disneyworld of hospitals compared to like your travelling carnival of the Roberts building. They told me i would be in a room there, but wouldn't you know, im in good ole roberts yet again. Bummer. On top of this minor set back, I have been having daily headaches for the past week and a half. While it is most likely due to the weather or some unrelated issue, most people are battling colds and headaches and what not this time of year, the doctors are being extra precautious to make sure that the cancer has not spread to my brain (something they aren't able to see on a PET scan). Ths is very rare and most likely not the case. They did an MRI today and confirmed that my head didn't have anything in it... Well they did find some brains thankfully, suspicions were confirmed, but no cancer, which was very good news. Unfortunately, I still have to go through with a lumbar puncture in the morning to get some spinal fluid checked out and to give me some precautionary chemo to treat the brain. Not an activity I was really hoping to partake in on a Tuesday morning.

God has been teaching me a few things already this stay. The good news on Friday was what some call a mountaintop experience. God came through and answered prayers, proving once again that he is faithful and that he is healer and that he loves us. But Monday comes and with it comes some difficulties, the stress of having to go through another round of chemo, added to the worry and anxiety over more unknown procedures and fears that come with that, plus the disappointment of not getting to be in the new hospital (I know, it seems silly but perspectives sure do change lol), could have been a bit overwhelming. But God had prepared me for it.

Van preached a sermon yesterday highlighting God's providence. He taught how God's timing is perfect. Sometimes we get put in situations that are coincidental or something that we wouldn't have expected, but God certainly may have a big reason for it. There was a reason for the good news on Friday and there is areason for all that is happening this week. God is teaching me to persevere. To continue to trust him. Lamentations 3:25 says "the LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the person who seeks Him." sounds good enough for me, regardless of the circumstance, good or bad. He is faithful. His loving kindness never ceases and his mercies are new every morning. That's good news for me,especially in light of tomorrow.

For a prayer request, I do ask that you all would pray for the lumbar puncture procedure tomorrow. I'll be crossing off another item on my "hole in the bucket" list,and would love some prayers for courage and safety. Thanks so much for all of your support and prayers! I am so blessed and God continues to answer your prayers!

Hair or no hair

I apologize for the length of time between posts. It has been nice to be able to get back to normal activities for the most part, and unfortunately I have not had too much time for introspection. But alas, the time for introspection has come again. Yesterday I had a PET scan to determine whether the cancer has metastasized (spread to other parts of my body) or been all but destroyed. We await the results of the scan either today or Monday. I go back in to the hospital for round 4 most likely on Monday as well. To be honest with you, I began to get anxious concerning the PET scan and its results. The results could be great, but they could also be something less than desired. We just don't know. Before I could let myself wallow in worry and fear, the Lord reminded me of a verse that my dad showed me my last stay in the hospital.

Round 3 was a pretty good round in the hospital. I felt pretty good the whole time, but as a result I was pretty stir crazy and most ready to get out of there. Emotionally, staying in the hospital was wearing me down. And in perfect timing, my dad reminded me of this verse. Matthew 10:30 "Even all the hairs on your head are numbered." Real funny, dad. Making bible jokes about my baldness. I should've pulled an Elisha and sicked some bears on him. But no, for some reason, this verse brought me great comfort, although in reality it shouldn't have. Think about it. God has all the hairs on my head numbered. Real hard. Even I could number the hairs on my head now. Zero. It would show that he would be wiser and more powerful if I had a full shaggy head of hair. But that's missing the point.

The point of the passage is not to fear man or the things of this world, but to fear God. God knows whether you have zero hairs on your head or have hair like a Wookie. And Jesus says we are more valuable than the sparrows who don't fall to the ground apart from the Father's will. It reminded me of Matthew 6 where he says not to worry about your life. God is totally in control. He cares for the sparrows so well, and we are so much more valuable than them. He cares for the flowers of the field, and yet we are so much more valuable than them. How much more will He care for us? So why should I worry about the results of the PET scan? God's got the hairs on my head numbered. Child's play.

What are we to do instead of worry? Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things (life, clothes, food) will be added to us. Maybe even my hair back one day! So forget the worrying. Who ever added a day to his life by worrying?  Hair or no hair, favorable result or unfavorable result of this PET scan, I'm seeking first the kingdom of God and his righteousness.